My article

Here's my article that ran in Jerk. 

Everything I hear on the radio lately reminds me of my deceased neighbor who used an electrolarynx after a tracheostomy. Strange, Martian-like sounds contaminate the songs of Weezy, T-Pain, Kanye, and others. And it's all because of a little thing called Auto-Tune.

A gentleman named Andy Hildebrand introduced Auto-Tune to the music industry in 1996. Thanks a bunch Mr. Hildebrand, for causing the downfall of music! Originally, Auto-tune helped fix shitty singers' pitch problems, honestly, I don't think I could listen to Britney Spears or Rihanna without its help. But now, artists use Auto-Tune to distort voices and produce a robotic yet captivating sound. It's hypnotizing. It's addicting. It's annoying.

We've gone from improving bad singers to distorting good singers. For example, Chris Brown and Jamie Foxx are now altering their sexy voices in the spirit of T-Pain and Weezy. Chris Brown and Jamie Foxx make my knees weak and my heart flutter, but T-Pain and Weezy make my ears bleed. It's not music that Auto-Tune is producing, it's straight-up noise.

But this noise is what makes Auto-tune so appealing. It's ruining our music, but at the same time, it's mesmerizing. The kind of mesmerizing that makes you want to do stupid shit like dance on furniture, chug cough syrup, and leave the house without underwear. I'm horrified to find myself singing and dancing to such ridiculous degrading lyrics. The cosmic sounds possess me. And those strange sounds let rappers get away with stupid, immoral, raunchy, and blasphemous lyrics.

Take Weezy's "Lollipop." This little ditty inspires houses full of college guys (and girls) to scream about their desires to "lick the wrapper." I'm aware that guys want their wrappers icked, but I haven't heard many girls singing about their love for heading south. And yet, they love singing this song, too. I must confess that I've blasted these lyrics and talked about dick-flavored lollipops, but I blame it on the whole hypnotization thing. 

Original, self-written, soulful music has been replaced by robots that sing about dick, thrusting dick , and getting dick sucked. Technology like Auto-Tune tricks us into liking this crap instead of the good stuff. Bring the quality back and stop taking advantage of us with outer-space effects.